How did I get here?

Assalamu Alaikum

As I stood in front of my window this morning looking out towards the Brisbane skyline I thought to myself - how on earth did I get here?

There was a time in my life where I dreamed about spending my days in he concrete jungle, working in a law firm, having lunch with collegues in a fancy cafe, walking around in my expensive suit. I loved the hustle and bustle of city life. On my way to uni I would take some time to stroll through the city admiring all those young female professionals rushing about. And I dreamed that that would be me one day. I was young, smart and full of ambition. But even though i was lacking in confidence, I knew I could do it. And people had so much hope in me. I was able to achieve anything I wanted to, that thought being at its peak when I reached the top 1% of the entire state in my high school grades. Alhamdulillah. This coming from a girl from a war torn land living in an abusive environment.

But I guess in the end that really took a toll on me. Suffering one abuse after another, one betrayal after another, and living in constant stress and fear for my life

But now I look out at that skyline being ever so close to that dream. But the hope is gone. The ambition is gone. The motivation is gone. I look outside and see only the broken dream of a broken girl. A dream that seems unattainable.

And then it got me - how did I get here?
What happened to that intelligent bright girl that everyone looked up to?

Where just a few years ago I would achieve anything I set my mind to, and not just achieve but excell at. Now its just one failure after another.

I could blame myself as i usually do... I could blame it on my sister who couldn't control her hatred and anger and who gave me bruises and cuts all my life. Or I can blame my parents who turned a blind eye. But then I think about it and it all started with the guy who did the unthinkable, who so violently stole my innocence and left me shattered. It happened years ago but I still haven't recovered. Even when people around me were suportive, I wasn't. He took my dignity and my self respect and I blamed myself for years and years. And i still feel so dirty. Even though everything's fine now and I have a husband thats been nothing but supportive and understanding. I still feel rotten.

And worst of all I don't believe in myself anymore. I will keep trying Inshallah but the motivation is gone. Because I don't believe I am good enough.

But Alhamdilullah. With many many prayers and nights spent crying to Allah, my life has changed for the better.I have found a new peace in my life that I never had before. And a new, although still broken, me.

And my relationship with my family has greatly improved, I talk more with my parents so now they see what's been hurting me all my life. And my relationship with my sister has also improved since she's been getting help. Now she's one of my best friends. And not to mention by great husband. I am so thankful to Allah for bringing him into my life. My whole purpose in life has now chanced towards pleasing Him. And Alhamdulillah it feels great.

I still need to work on myself and get my confidence and motivation back. I don't necessarily think I'll ever be that professional woman I always dreamed of. To be honest I don't have the energy for that lol. But success can be found in other ways. I can be a succesful mother Inshallah and for now that is all I want. And to raise my children towards Allah's pleasure, to me that would be an enormous success.

And even as I look out that window at a reminder of what could have been - I have so much to be thankful for. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for all the blessings you have bestowed on me.

No internet :(

 

Assalamu Alaikum

It really sux not having the internet at home. And with uni over for the year I dont have easy access to the computers there either. Ive been really meaning to blog more often, just to let things off my mind I guess. Sometimes I just sit here all day.

But ye.. it sux

But I have to run now too. Just thought I'd pop in and explain why i havent been blogging. But Inshallah I'll work something out soon.

Salam

Shopping with sis

Assalamu Alaikum

Today I finally did something kinda worth blogging about. Lately it's just been me at home studying, cooking and cleaning. Unless I go to uni or out to run some other errands.

But today my sister and her daughter came to see me from the Gold Coast. We spent a little time at my place just playing around with my niece and then we went to Stones Corner to do some shopping. It's a nice little place, kinda reminds me of Sydney but much cleaner lol. They have some really nice clothes shops and some wig shops too. There is one in particular that I love - it's got some nice little homewares that I thought I'd have to go to Sydney in order to get them. Too bad I was out of money today :(

But it was so good getting out of this monotony that has become my life. Don't get me wrong I love being married and living in Brisbane, but it's hard when you don't have your family around and you don't know anyone. But what can you do.. Inshallah all that will come around in time.

But anyway I think it's time to get back to study. I still have a lot to catch up on

Salam

Ps here's a pic of my gorgeous niece. I love her to bits

Back at the gym... Finally

Assalamu Alaikum sisters

Yes finally I had the courage to get off my bum and get to the gym. And it feels so good.

I've been putting off transferring my membership since I got married. Just putting forward one excuse after another. I really don't like new place when I am by myself, so it was too easy for me to keep saying I'll do it next week, I'll do it tomorrow, I'll do it when my sister comes for a visit... You get the drift

But I'm so glad I finally had the courage to do it. I didn't stay long. We just went through my new program and then I did some cardio. To be honest I'm not a big fan of this gym so far. Robina was so much better. The people there are friendlier, the equipment is newer, and the layout is much more convenient and motivating.

But Inshallah I'll do my best to keep at it. I really need to get back in shape. Not for anybody but for me. And I love how it puts you in a much better mood even after one session.

But anyway.. I have some errands to run. I'm so over going to the bank. But you gotta do what you gotta do right...

So take care and Assalamu Aleikum

Weekend wrap-up

Assalamu Alaikum

Just thought it's about time I jot down what's been happening lately. It really sucks not having a laptop, let alone the net lol. So we'll just have to do with my iPhone.

Mhd dropped me off at my parents place on Friday since he got sent there to work anyway. We finally sorted everything out with the hall and stuff. And then I did a little shopping with my sister at Harbour Town. We didn't buy a lot, just some little gadgets for the kitchen and stuff like that.

When he finished work Mhd joined us at my parents place as well. And took us out for some ice cream. By the time we got back it was pretty late and my mum insisted we sleep over.

The next day me and Mhd went looking for a little bathroom cabinet while my parents were working and my sister was still sleeping. We didn't find what we were looking for but there was a pretty nice one which we might buy next week. And we also went to Australia Fair and just walked around a bit and had some coffee. Then we went back home and made some food for my parents. My sister came over as well and we relaxed a bit and talked. By the time we left I was exhausted again.

And then there's today. I woke up really early as usual and did some cleaning around the house. Mhd is in bed with a fever poor baby. We still need to buy some meat. I'm new to this area so I don't know where the halal butcher is. But later my sister is coming over with her family Inshallah. I can't wait :))) it gets pretty lonely around here.

And that's all for now. Inshallah I'll keep posting more often

Take care

Salam

I am married!!!!

I am writing today as a married woman. We had the wedding on the 1st of October. But I've been so busy with guests and house-sorting and getting adjusted to married life etc etc to get any time to post. Plus, we don't have the Internet at home so it's kinda hard to post.

Alhamdulillah the wedding went very well. We had the nikkah ceremony at the Gold Coast Mosque, followed by a nice dinner and then the girls went to another hall for a little party. Overall it was great and all the families were happy. And I was happy too Alhamdulillah.

Inshallah I'll post some more pics as soon as I collect them all and fix my laptop. But here's a couple from my phone.



And Mashallah Mhd's family is amazing All of them. I can so totally see where he gets his respect towards women from. All I can say is Mashallah. And they welcomed me with open arms and I already see them as my family. Especially the sisters. I am so happy Alhamdulillah. May Allah bless them all and keep us connected in goodness.

I am loving married life. Especially having my own home and having someone to cuddle up to. However it's not quite what I expected it to be. I never expected the loneliness. He works from early morning until after Maghrib, and comes home tired so after we eat and get some work done it's already bed time since we r both early sleepers. I'm used to a full house, so now when it's empty most of the time it does get quite lonely. Nobody told me about the loneliness until after I started complaining about it to some girls. But Alhamdulillah. It's only natural. Inshallah I'll get over it lol

I have a lot of catching up to do with study. I have exams in a few weeks and with all this wedding planning I didn't really get the chance to study. I pray to Allah to make it easy for me

Seven days to go

Assalamu Aleikum

Sorry for the lack of posts these last few weeks (or months?)... I have been really preoccupied with wedding planning and house renovations and weight loss journeys etc etc

But Alhamdulillah I can now say that this time next week I will be a married woman Inshallah. I am really looking forward to it, well I was until this sickness got to me. I have been coughing non stop for the last week or so and I've had the fever and sore muscles and vomiting and headaches... the list goes on. I went back to see the doctor yesterday and she said it looks like it might be whooping cough. Ouch (quite literally, it hurts). But ye so now I am so numb.. it looks like this wedding might go by without me even noticing lol.

Inshallah my cough will ease up before the wedding.

I am too sore to write even now so I think I will let you peeps go.