One day I will learn

I need to learn to put me first

The week that was - Hanging with the sisters and kiddo's

Asalamu alaikum

The last week or so I managed to get out of the house for a bit. Nothing special. mostly running errands, putting gym memberships on hold, buying supplies and grocery shopping.

I did manage to sneak in a shopping trip, a visit to the park and a coffee stop.

I bought him this little Thomas backpack that we can take to the shops when we are mot using his nappy bad. He is really into trains at the moment. As you can tell - he LOVES it :)

Just a bit of fun on the trampoline with the babies and their tigers :)

More fun, this time at Pacific Fair in the parents room :)

At Robina Town Centre, after doing taking care of some errands we had some left to look for storage solutions and clothes to fit the new 18kg lighter me :)

Adela had a day off work. so we took the chance to do a little bit of shopping and have a much-deserved coffee break.

We took the little ones out to the park. We didn't have a lot of time but at least it's something, right?

And again

Mystery box

Assalamu Alaikum

I was studying one afternoon while Ibrahim was taking a nap, and once he woke up, we went out the door to find this big box sitting in the lounge room.

There was no sender name, no sender address... Just a big brown box with my name on it. I had no idea what it was or who it was from. As I started opening it, I saw it was a toy for Ibrahim. He was soooooo excited. I'm sure the photos speak for themselves (sorry about the bad quality, I took them from my phone while my camera was charging).

It turns out that his father sent it to him as a present. I did remember later that he asked me if it was ok if he sends him something, I was just expecting him to let me know when he sent it.

Ibrahim loved the it. He calls it his choo choo (he is really into trains at the moment, so pretty much anything with wheels is a choo choo, but this one is special).. He couldn't even wait for me to open it before he started playing with it.

A new camera and Ibby's new hair

Assalamu alaikum

So...

My phone stopped working.

And my camera has been missing for longer than I can remember.

And even if my phone was not out of action, the camera on there hasn't been good for quite some time (must have something to do with the million or so times I have dropped it).

My new camera

So days of feeling anxiety over missing any more precious time in my baby's life, I bit my lip and went out and bought a new camera. It is nothing fancy, just a normal compact camera. But trust me, if you had a large chunk of memories with your one and only child go missing because of stressful situations, you would want to capture as many memories with your little one as you could. The anxiety of not having a camera really got to me, so instead of waiting and waiting to have enough money and time to fix my phone and have a blurry camera, I went out and bought one. It did put my goals a bit out of whack and played with my finances, but I needed that camera. And those precious moments.

I have since then also had my phone fixed. But as I said, the camera is a bit dodgy and the pictures come out blurry and dark. So I needed to use a camera, and after turning the whole house upside down trying to find the one I bought just before Ibby was born, I gave up and bought a new one. I could always sell my old one or give it to Adisa, she did say she wanted one. In sha Allah this one will be good.

Ibby also had his first hair cut that day. At first I was scared, I really didn't want to lose his curls. But mashaAllah, he is gorgeous either way. And the curls are already starting to grow back Alhamdulillah.

After his first haircut

After he woke up from his nap, I just couldn't stop hugging him. MashaAllah, he looks so grown up, like a real boy. I really miss his fluff... but it was getting out of control so it had to go.

As promised.. Sea world pics

Assalamu alaikum...

The last couple of weeks have been hectic, to say the least. Family emergency after family emergency. So it goes without saying that I have been having my hands full. My sister and her kids have been staying at my place until they find a place to rent. So all I have been doing is baby sitting and apartment hunting with my sister. Alhumdulillah all is well, and I have been in pretty high spirits for most of the time (I did get overwhelmed once and broke down, but it looks like I just needed that cry to let it all out and get back to normal, if there is such a thing).

But as I promised earlier, here are some photos from mine and Ibby's Sea World trip. Pls excuse the poor picture quality, my phone's camera hasn't been the same for quite a while, which is why I went out and bought a new camera the other day too.

Sea World Trip and Visiting Sis

Salam,

So yes, we did manage to make that trip to Sea World. It was such a hot, sticky day though. I cannot wait until winter comes. This summer is taking too long.

Photos coming soon in sha Allah

I took heaps of photos but can't share them today since a little somebody decided to squeeze my already cracked screen until it stopped working. He was just too excited showing the fish to his grandma. I have asked my lil sis to take it to get fixed on her way to work and in sha Allah I will get it back soon.

So it was just me and the little man yesterday. I thought it might be boring but we had a great time. We saw all the animals, had lunch and then I let him out of the pram to run around and see all the animals again on the way back. The first time we went I think he was just a bit overwhelmed at all the animals and the size of the aquariums. Not to mention all the people. But the second time we went around he absolutely loved it. He was so excited to see all the fish, sharks, the turtle and the penguins. But his absolute favourite were the dolphins. He got so excited and happy Mashallah. I am so glad he had a great time out there. I really miss our mummy-ibby time. We were laughing together, walking together, he even chased me past the rides. I think next time I will just bring a little backpack with the essentials and leave the pram in the car in sha Allah. And then we can go on the rides too in sha Allah without having to worry about the pram. He handled walking great mashAllah. And he seems so light with all the weight I lost so carrying him for a little while is no problem at all.

When we got back, we had a quick shower and then mum and dad wanted to go to Adisa's house. So we all went there for a bit, even though Ibrahim was really tired, and it was almost his bed time. But it's been quite a while since we all went as a family so I thought, why not?? He fell asleep in the car but woke up over there. He was really happy to see everyone get together. And even though he was a bit grumpy from being over tired, Alhamdulillah we all had a good night.

Nothing much happened today. I picked up Adisa and took Armina to kindy as usual. But I gave Adisa my car for the day so I didn't have to pick her up and drop her off for work etc. I studied during Ibby's nap, and played with him a little the rest of the day. It went by quite quickly actually. Next thing I know it's 7 and almost time for his bath and bed time. He is fast asleep now. And I am here while I should be studying instead.

So I should let you go before I get too tired to study (well what do you know, It's 10:20, oops).

Salam

Life these days

So... as I was saying, just a quick update on life at the moment.

Not very interesting. Like I said, I am working on a new course which I hope to complete by June in sha Allah. Although I barely get the chance to work on it these days. With Ibrahim getting bigger and napping less, and babysitting my nieces almost every day while my sister works, there is not much time left to focus on studying. But I am getting there slowly. Mostly I study at night after Ibby has gone to sleep. Of course, this brings on it's own set of problems since there's only so many hours at night left for sleeping.  And Ibrahim wakes up by 6.30 every morning. I am beyond exhausted!!

Me these days

The last few nights I have been working into the early hours of the morning, have 3-4 hrs of sleep and then off to my sister's to pick them up, drop her off at work, drop Miss 4 at kindy Mon-Thurs, and bring the baby over at our house (Her car died a few months ago and she still didn't save up enough to buy another one). Studying during nap time is almost impossible unless mum is here to take over with the baby so I can get an hour or so done while Ibby is napping. So the only time left is after Ibby goes to bed for the night at around 8ish. And it repeats. I am used to going to bed at around 9, sometimes even 8. So this is really hard for me. But I know I need to get a move on and it's the only time I can study for now.

Tomorrow sis has a day off so its just me and Ibby in sha Allah. I hope I get the chance to have a break, at least in the morning after I drop Miss 4 off at Kindy. I need some rest. I really miss my time alone with him though. I feel like I haven't been giving enough of myself to him.

I have been looking online for a lot of baby/toddler friendly activities that we can do together. There really is a lot out there which I would like to try in sha Allah. Like this week (and I use the term 'week' loosely) we have been focusing on colours, picking a colour each day and bringing out toys and finding other activities to do which involve that colour. There have been days where I was really exhausted so I took that day off. Like I said, I use the term 'week' loosely. But in sha Allah Ibby will benefit from them. And it does make me feel a little less guilty for not spending enough one-on0one time with him. In sha Allah I will write a post on this and what else we get up to.

Another thing I have been obsessing about is organisation. I don't know what took over me. I went on this rampage where I felt I had to get everything organised in order to function properly. I've been on the lookout for organisers and other products to get this house into order (at least my things). And doing this at my mum's place is really hard. Everyone who knows mum parents know that they are the opposite of organised. But at least I got my room, the bathroom, and at least the parts of the kitchen I regularly use organised. Having both me and Ibby sharing this tiny room I really have no choice but to be super organised with everything and finding space to put things where there really isn't any. I am still not happy with it but with the parts I did complete I feel more able to function. I am really into this to be honest. I could so do this for a living.

I have also been back at the gym. I was doing quite well Alhamdulillah until my sister had taken up more hours at work. Now I can't even remember the last time I went. I should really do something about that. Either cancel the membership (which I really don't want to do) or talk to her about putting her little one in day care also, at least for a couple of days a week.

Don't get me wrong, I love those girls and when they are not here even one day I feel like the house is empty. But this whole full time babysitting thing is really taking a toll on me. I mean, I am trying to piece my life back together again and I can't really do that when I am run down like this. I am so glad to be able to help my sister who is going through a really tough time at the moment, but at what stage am I supposed to say that's enough? I was thinking about this last night. I was thinking to put Ibby in day care two days a week so I can get this course done quicker and start living. And that's where it hit me - all I would be doing is putting him in there so I can take care of her little one. And that's not fair. She should be understanding that I am really struggling here get my life together. And it's true, I am going through a tough time too. I feel as though her responsibilities have just been shoved on to me. I agreed to watching them a few times a week, but she's just been working more and more. And it is really impacting me. I can't ask my mum to take care of them (which she is supposed to be doing, she is the one who said she would take the girls while sis works) because she is so busy herself with work. She is so tired too and I just cannot bring myself to put even more pressure on her too. She has taken up even more clients so its just a no, no. I really should talk to Adisa about this. I did mention it and she herself said she wants to put her in there but she just doesn't. I don't want to keep saying it because like I said I really do like having them around and being able to help. And I definitely don't want her thinking I want to get rid of them. But I think that being a working mum was her choice, whether her circumstances demanded it or not it's still her choice to work. And part of being a working mum is figuring out child care. I can't be expected to put my life on hold to take care of them especially given the situation I am in. I need help myself. [End of rant].

But seriously, I do feel like I've been taken advantage of. And it's not fair. I need to focus on me for now. I finally have the motivation to build my life back up and I can't sacrifice that even though I love them. I have to build a life up for Ibrahim. I am the only parent he has and he is already growing up way too fast. But I feel so selfish saying that.

I might take Ibrahim to Sea World after his nap tomorrow in sha Allah. We haven't been there in a couple of months and he is obsessed with sea animals these days so I think he would love it. I'll try to make some lunch in the morning to bring along. And if I get the chance I'll get some study done during his nap, or maybe even take one myself if I can. I do need a break.

Anyway, I should really wrap this up. I want to have an early night. I really need it.

oops its already 11pm. eep... so much for my early night lol.

Assalamu Alaikum

The post that wasn't, and a year of parenting

Assalamu Alaikum

I was planning to post an update with pictures of our days here and there, but my phone has died and won't charge. In sha Allah I will go buy a new charger tomorrow. I have a feeling this has something to do with Ibrahim putting the charger in his mouth yesterday. I would hate to think that I lost all my photos.

Keep your pictures secure ladies :)) I should really have learnt my lesson by now and transferred them onto the computer regularly. In sha Allah they are safe.

But for now I will just share this picture I came across.

Hi there...

Assalamu Alaykum.

It's been a while huh...

I've been dealing with a lot of personal things, a lot of ups, but also a lot of downs. Alhamdulillah, I am still here to tell my tale.

So much has changed. So many lessons have been learned. So many times broken. But I am still not going to give up. I am still standing here today. Yes I'm still healing, and yes the scars still ache whenever I allow myself to think about it. Yes I have days where I would like nothing more than to crawl underneath a rock and cry, but I also have days where I feel so blessed, and so motivated.
I still have a long way to go. I am only just starting to gain my strength back, almost starting to see my worth. That's a tough one. It's hard to feel like you are worth something when everything you have worked so hard for has broken down. I feel like a failure. Still. I am still in my parents' home. Without a husband. Without a job. Without any real friends.

I would like to think that I am not a waste of space. And I know I am not, It's just hard to allow myself to feel that. I know I contribute to this world. I am helping those I can, hopefully enriching their life for the better. I know I am a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good mother. But it's not the same.

For so long I have been the one people looked up to. They called me strong, motivated, capable... Now look at me.

Truth is, I am too scared to give myself permission to rise up again. I am too scared to feel like I can achieve anything. People call me humble but they don't realise the crippling fear I carry around with me. The fear that if I allow myself to believe in me, I will only end up in disappointment. In heartache, one way or the other. I have built up this wall around me, I don't let anyone in. Not even myself. I have closed myself off from the world. Instead living in this cocoon where it's just me, Allah, my son, and my immediate family. Even when I see other people it's all just a charade. My body is there but my heart is not.

So I made myself feel numb.

Every once in a while I let the lonely tear go down my face. Every once in a while I allow true happiness inside me. When my son smiles, when I hear his heartmelting laugh, when he hugs me close and pats my back, when I see that excitement on his face, when I hear a new word come out of his mouth, when he looks at me with those revealing eyes as if I am the best thing in this world. And then I think of what his father did to me. To us. And I go numb. I love my son with all my heart but there are still times when I don't let him in. There is this wall where by heart used to be. I love him and I would give my all to him. He brings so my joy to my life and he is truly the biggest blessing Allah has given me after my iman. My life revolves around worshipping Allah and raising him to be the best he can be.

May Allah accept it from me and make him among the true believers who will face the true delight on the Day where all will be held to account. And me along with him.

I am his mother, his teacher, his life long friend. I spend every day improving myself to be a great mother for him, and to teach him about his Creator and how to live a pious life. And that's where my inspiration comes from. To some that's not good enough. But that's where I am.

I have been blessed with amazing parents who have allowed me this time in their home to heal. May Allah always protect them and keep them safe and reunite us all in Jannah. I know I am not being the best daughter towards them and there are times where I am horrible. May Allah forgive me. I know my mistakes and I am trying to correct them all the time, to help my parents all I can, and to be more patient.

But I also know this world is not a fairy tale, nor is it Jannah. I know I have to work up to put my life together again. I know I need to be Ibby's mother and his father. Mohamed is still in NZ and in fact hasn't even seen him since he went there for his "holiday" over a year ago. Yes, they occasionally see each other on Skype but its not the same thing. He doesn't contribute to anything (other than the $39 a month he is forced to pay in child support). I don't know what his mentality is about his son. But that's just wrong. And it's up to me to fill in the blanks.

I would like for them to have a relationship even though it hurts so bad every time I hear his voice. He needs his father. Even in the smallest ways I guess. There will come a time when he needs a male to be his role model. He can benefit a lot from him. I know I have learned so much and he will always have an impact on my life. It's just bittersweet. At the same time he is the man who showed me what it's like to be loved, respected and taken care of; but also to be left torn to pieces without any warnings or answers. His family says it's all jinn and he will heal in sha Allah. But it's done.

I do have a plan and I am working on it. May Allah heal my heart and give me the strength to move on. I don't feel like I have the strength to be a lawyer, just thinking of doing my PLT gave me panic attacks. So I am working on a Cert III in Legal Admin to get me started. Alhamdulillah it has already given me some confidence and hope. When that is done in sha Allah I can start working and save up some money to buy a house for me and Ibby in an area more Islamically friendly. I want him surrounded by Islam. Marriage is out of the question for me right now, I don't think I can trust anyone just yet. Only Allah knows what is in my future. It is true - there is no greater loneliness than not living Islam. One of the hardest things for me after the break up was losing that Islamic life. My family is not religious. May Allah guide them to be true Muslims. But that's why I need to surround myself with pious friends and surround him with pious children. One of my greatest fears is that I will allow him to be corrupted by this cruel and selfish world. And even though I am extremely grateful for my family, I know I have to leave in order to raise my son as a muslim. May Allah help me and show me the way.

I would also like to get into Migration Law. I have found a course which offers a Grad Dip In Migration Law and in sha Allah I can get that started In July, and finish this course in the meantime. My results have been fantastic Alhamdulillah and like i said, this has given me the confidence to move on. I would like to work part time, while studying the postgrad part time online. In sha Allah I will be able to do it. And in sha Allah I will be able to provide for myself and my little boy independently. I know I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get on with it. And I am :) That's why I want to finish this course ASAP. I need to do one thing at a time and do it well.

But raising my son is number one for me. I don't have to have it all, I would be happy with a job that allows me to live independently and provide for my son. I don't need fancy cars or a huge house to be happy. In sha Allah it will work out for me.

It's not all bad though. I believe I am doing a great job as a mother by the will of Allah. Alhamdulillah I have always felt on top of things when it comes to my baby. I believe I am doing most things right, with a few slip ups of course. I feel like I am managing fine, and we are having a great time along the way. I feel so blessed. Allah knows my strengths and my weaknesses and He has given me this wonderful child. He has always been such a happy and laid back baby. We have a bond which only a mother and son could share. May Allah give him all the best in both this world and the Hereafter.

In sha Allah I will make some posts of our shenanigans..

Lol I even forgot to mention - I bought a new desktop for my studies. So I am now using a computer regularly and don't have to resort to my phone and that lousy blogger app. In sha Allah I will have the energy at the end of the day to write a word or two. I miss this.

But for now I have to go. It's past midnight and we wake up pretty early most mornings. I haven't even done any work on my studies today. Oops.

In sha Allah tomorrow I will post a life update and maybe even some pics