Not very interesting. Like I said, I am working on a new course which I hope to complete by June in sha Allah. Although I barely get the chance to work on it these days. With Ibrahim getting bigger and napping less, and babysitting my nieces almost every day while my sister works, there is not much time left to focus on studying. But I am getting there slowly. Mostly I study at night after Ibby has gone to sleep. Of course, this brings on it's own set of problems since there's only so many hours at night left for sleeping. And Ibrahim wakes up by 6.30 every morning. I am beyond exhausted!!
| Me these days |
Tomorrow sis has a day off so its just me and Ibby in sha Allah. I hope I get the chance to have a break, at least in the morning after I drop Miss 4 off at Kindy. I need some rest. I really miss my time alone with him though. I feel like I haven't been giving enough of myself to him.
I have been looking online for a lot of baby/toddler friendly activities that we can do together. There really is a lot out there which I would like to try in sha Allah. Like this week (and I use the term 'week' loosely) we have been focusing on colours, picking a colour each day and bringing out toys and finding other activities to do which involve that colour. There have been days where I was really exhausted so I took that day off. Like I said, I use the term 'week' loosely. But in sha Allah Ibby will benefit from them. And it does make me feel a little less guilty for not spending enough one-on0one time with him. In sha Allah I will write a post on this and what else we get up to.
Another thing I have been obsessing about is organisation. I don't know what took over me. I went on this rampage where I felt I had to get everything organised in order to function properly. I've been on the lookout for organisers and other products to get this house into order (at least my things). And doing this at my mum's place is really hard. Everyone who knows mum parents know that they are the opposite of organised. But at least I got my room, the bathroom, and at least the parts of the kitchen I regularly use organised. Having both me and Ibby sharing this tiny room I really have no choice but to be super organised with everything and finding space to put things where there really isn't any. I am still not happy with it but with the parts I did complete I feel more able to function. I am really into this to be honest. I could so do this for a living.
I have also been back at the gym. I was doing quite well Alhamdulillah until my sister had taken up more hours at work. Now I can't even remember the last time I went. I should really do something about that. Either cancel the membership (which I really don't want to do) or talk to her about putting her little one in day care also, at least for a couple of days a week.
Don't get me wrong, I love those girls and when they are not here even one day I feel like the house is empty. But this whole full time babysitting thing is really taking a toll on me. I mean, I am trying to piece my life back together again and I can't really do that when I am run down like this. I am so glad to be able to help my sister who is going through a really tough time at the moment, but at what stage am I supposed to say that's enough? I was thinking about this last night. I was thinking to put Ibby in day care two days a week so I can get this course done quicker and start living. And that's where it hit me - all I would be doing is putting him in there so I can take care of her little one. And that's not fair. She should be understanding that I am really struggling here get my life together. And it's true, I am going through a tough time too. I feel as though her responsibilities have just been shoved on to me. I agreed to watching them a few times a week, but she's just been working more and more. And it is really impacting me. I can't ask my mum to take care of them (which she is supposed to be doing, she is the one who said she would take the girls while sis works) because she is so busy herself with work. She is so tired too and I just cannot bring myself to put even more pressure on her too. She has taken up even more clients so its just a no, no. I really should talk to Adisa about this. I did mention it and she herself said she wants to put her in there but she just doesn't. I don't want to keep saying it because like I said I really do like having them around and being able to help. And I definitely don't want her thinking I want to get rid of them. But I think that being a working mum was her choice, whether her circumstances demanded it or not it's still her choice to work. And part of being a working mum is figuring out child care. I can't be expected to put my life on hold to take care of them especially given the situation I am in. I need help myself. [End of rant].
But seriously, I do feel like I've been taken advantage of. And it's not fair. I need to focus on me for now. I finally have the motivation to build my life back up and I can't sacrifice that even though I love them. I have to build a life up for Ibrahim. I am the only parent he has and he is already growing up way too fast. But I feel so selfish saying that.
I might take Ibrahim to Sea World after his nap tomorrow in sha Allah. We haven't been there in a couple of months and he is obsessed with sea animals these days so I think he would love it. I'll try to make some lunch in the morning to bring along. And if I get the chance I'll get some study done during his nap, or maybe even take one myself if I can. I do need a break.
Anyway, I should really wrap this up. I want to have an early night. I really need it.
oops its already 11pm. eep... so much for my early night lol.
Assalamu Alaikum
