It's been a while huh...
I've been dealing with a lot of personal things, a lot of ups, but also a lot of downs. Alhamdulillah, I am still here to tell my tale.
So much has changed. So many lessons have been learned. So many times broken. But I am still not going to give up. I am still standing here today. Yes I'm still healing, and yes the scars still ache whenever I allow myself to think about it. Yes I have days where I would like nothing more than to crawl underneath a rock and cry, but I also have days where I feel so blessed, and so motivated.
I still have a long way to go. I am only just starting to gain my strength back, almost starting to see my worth. That's a tough one. It's hard to feel like you are worth something when everything you have worked so hard for has broken down. I feel like a failure. Still. I am still in my parents' home. Without a husband. Without a job. Without any real friends.
I would like to think that I am not a waste of space. And I know I am not, It's just hard to allow myself to feel that. I know I contribute to this world. I am helping those I can, hopefully enriching their life for the better. I know I am a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good mother. But it's not the same.
For so long I have been the one people looked up to. They called me strong, motivated, capable... Now look at me.
Truth is, I am too scared to give myself permission to rise up again. I am too scared to feel like I can achieve anything. People call me humble but they don't realise the crippling fear I carry around with me. The fear that if I allow myself to believe in me, I will only end up in disappointment. In heartache, one way or the other. I have built up this wall around me, I don't let anyone in. Not even myself. I have closed myself off from the world. Instead living in this cocoon where it's just me, Allah, my son, and my immediate family. Even when I see other people it's all just a charade. My body is there but my heart is not.
So I made myself feel numb.
Every once in a while I let the lonely tear go down my face. Every once in a while I allow true happiness inside me. When my son smiles, when I hear his heartmelting laugh, when he hugs me close and pats my back, when I see that excitement on his face, when I hear a new word come out of his mouth, when he looks at me with those revealing eyes as if I am the best thing in this world. And then I think of what his father did to me. To us. And I go numb. I love my son with all my heart but there are still times when I don't let him in. There is this wall where by heart used to be. I love him and I would give my all to him. He brings so my joy to my life and he is truly the biggest blessing Allah has given me after my iman. My life revolves around worshipping Allah and raising him to be the best he can be.
May Allah accept it from me and make him among the true believers who will face the true delight on the Day where all will be held to account. And me along with him.
I am his mother, his teacher, his life long friend. I spend every day improving myself to be a great mother for him, and to teach him about his Creator and how to live a pious life. And that's where my inspiration comes from. To some that's not good enough. But that's where I am.
I have been blessed with amazing parents who have allowed me this time in their home to heal. May Allah always protect them and keep them safe and reunite us all in Jannah. I know I am not being the best daughter towards them and there are times where I am horrible. May Allah forgive me. I know my mistakes and I am trying to correct them all the time, to help my parents all I can, and to be more patient.
But I also know this world is not a fairy tale, nor is it Jannah. I know I have to work up to put my life together again. I know I need to be Ibby's mother and his father. Mohamed is still in NZ and in fact hasn't even seen him since he went there for his "holiday" over a year ago. Yes, they occasionally see each other on Skype but its not the same thing. He doesn't contribute to anything (other than the $39 a month he is forced to pay in child support). I don't know what his mentality is about his son. But that's just wrong. And it's up to me to fill in the blanks.
I would like for them to have a relationship even though it hurts so bad every time I hear his voice. He needs his father. Even in the smallest ways I guess. There will come a time when he needs a male to be his role model. He can benefit a lot from him. I know I have learned so much and he will always have an impact on my life. It's just bittersweet. At the same time he is the man who showed me what it's like to be loved, respected and taken care of; but also to be left torn to pieces without any warnings or answers. His family says it's all jinn and he will heal in sha Allah. But it's done.
I would also like to get into Migration Law. I have found a course which offers a Grad Dip In Migration Law and in sha Allah I can get that started In July, and finish this course in the meantime. My results have been fantastic Alhamdulillah and like i said, this has given me the confidence to move on. I would like to work part time, while studying the postgrad part time online. In sha Allah I will be able to do it. And in sha Allah I will be able to provide for myself and my little boy independently. I know I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get on with it. And I am :) That's why I want to finish this course ASAP. I need to do one thing at a time and do it well.
But raising my son is number one for me. I don't have to have it all, I would be happy with a job that allows me to live independently and provide for my son. I don't need fancy cars or a huge house to be happy. In sha Allah it will work out for me.
It's not all bad though. I believe I am doing a great job as a mother by the will of Allah. Alhamdulillah I have always felt on top of things when it comes to my baby. I believe I am doing most things right, with a few slip ups of course. I feel like I am managing fine, and we are having a great time along the way. I feel so blessed. Allah knows my strengths and my weaknesses and He has given me this wonderful child. He has always been such a happy and laid back baby. We have a bond which only a mother and son could share. May Allah give him all the best in both this world and the Hereafter.
In sha Allah I will make some posts of our shenanigans..
Lol I even forgot to mention - I bought a new desktop for my studies. So I am now using a computer regularly and don't have to resort to my phone and that lousy blogger app. In sha Allah I will have the energy at the end of the day to write a word or two. I miss this.
But for now I have to go. It's past midnight and we wake up pretty early most mornings. I haven't even done any work on my studies today. Oops.
In sha Allah tomorrow I will post a life update and maybe even some pics
