Assalamu Alaikum
As I stood in front of my window this morning looking out towards the Brisbane skyline I thought to myself - how on earth did I get here?
There was a time in my life where I dreamed about spending my days in he concrete jungle, working in a law firm, having lunch with collegues in a fancy cafe, walking around in my expensive suit. I loved the hustle and bustle of city life. On my way to uni I would take some time to stroll through the city admiring all those young female professionals rushing about. And I dreamed that that would be me one day. I was young, smart and full of ambition. But even though i was lacking in confidence, I knew I could do it. And people had so much hope in me. I was able to achieve anything I wanted to, that thought being at its peak when I reached the top 1% of the entire state in my high school grades. Alhamdulillah. This coming from a girl from a war torn land living in an abusive environment.
But I guess in the end that really took a toll on me. Suffering one abuse after another, one betrayal after another, and living in constant stress and fear for my life
But now I look out at that skyline being ever so close to that dream. But the hope is gone. The ambition is gone. The motivation is gone. I look outside and see only the broken dream of a broken girl. A dream that seems unattainable.
And then it got me - how did I get here?
What happened to that intelligent bright girl that everyone looked up to?
Where just a few years ago I would achieve anything I set my mind to, and not just achieve but excell at. Now its just one failure after another.
I could blame myself as i usually do... I could blame it on my sister who couldn't control her hatred and anger and who gave me bruises and cuts all my life. Or I can blame my parents who turned a blind eye. But then I think about it and it all started with the guy who did the unthinkable, who so violently stole my innocence and left me shattered. It happened years ago but I still haven't recovered. Even when people around me were suportive, I wasn't. He took my dignity and my self respect and I blamed myself for years and years. And i still feel so dirty. Even though everything's fine now and I have a husband thats been nothing but supportive and understanding. I still feel rotten.
And worst of all I don't believe in myself anymore. I will keep trying Inshallah but the motivation is gone. Because I don't believe I am good enough.
But Alhamdilullah. With many many prayers and nights spent crying to Allah, my life has changed for the better.I have found a new peace in my life that I never had before. And a new, although still broken, me.
And my relationship with my family has greatly improved, I talk more with my parents so now they see what's been hurting me all my life. And my relationship with my sister has also improved since she's been getting help. Now she's one of my best friends. And not to mention by great husband. I am so thankful to Allah for bringing him into my life. My whole purpose in life has now chanced towards pleasing Him. And Alhamdulillah it feels great.
I still need to work on myself and get my confidence and motivation back. I don't necessarily think I'll ever be that professional woman I always dreamed of. To be honest I don't have the energy for that lol. But success can be found in other ways. I can be a succesful mother Inshallah and for now that is all I want. And to raise my children towards Allah's pleasure, to me that would be an enormous success.
And even as I look out that window at a reminder of what could have been - I have so much to be thankful for. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for all the blessings you have bestowed on me.
